did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
His nipple licking is glorious
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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