Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
