omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
