I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
