I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
