Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Soap is not a condiment
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
