I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
