I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
