I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
