Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
