you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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