So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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