Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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