I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
