I'm eating all of the evidence.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
