I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
