Swine flu. Run for my life!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
