I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
