my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
