I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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