why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
