Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
