He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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