Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
