sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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