Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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