I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
