Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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