the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
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I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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