i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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