After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
