One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
