the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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