she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
