Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
