hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
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i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
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It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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