sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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