Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
