i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
