my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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