True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
