somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
