I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
