woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
