Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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