i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
