Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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