my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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