saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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