I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
