I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
