also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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