he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
