wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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