We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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